The holidays can be a joyous time, but not for everyone – especially those who have lost a loved one to suicide. The organization Survivors of Suicide or SOS is here to help. It offers support from people who have been through it themselves. Vivien Keith is a facilitator for the moms’ group at SOS, and Desiree Woodland, who serves on the board and also works with Breaking the Silence, which focuses on young people. Keith says it’s important the meetings are led by peers.
VIVIEN KEITH: We give a safe place for people to express their feelings, to discuss what they need to discuss, and to know that they're not alone, that there's other people that are going through the same thing. And we give hope that long-term survivors are doing well, like Desiree, she was my guiding light when my daughter first died. To know that 15 years later, she had found a purpose for living again,
KUNM: Desiree, I know you lost your son to suicide, you're both survivors, how does your experience inform your work?
DESIREE WOODLAND: It’s really important for people who are newly bereaved, to see that you can have a life again, you can actually find joy. It doesn't mean you ever forget them. You always have that in your heart. But you find through the work that you do by helping others, it does change your life. It’s very fulfilling to be able to share other people's grief and bear witness to what their suffering.
KUNM: We are in the holiday season. What is this like, for folks who have lost someone to suicide? Do they need extra support?
KEITH: I would say absolutely. Finding someone safe, that you can cry with, because there's a lot of triggers that can cause the emotions to flow. We don't want to stifle our emotions, we need to express them otherwise they can come out as health problems or anger you know, things that can be destructive, but certainly needing to know who you can be with and who you cannot be with and what you can do and what you can't do. And having some kind of a plan of how you're going to handle these things that will come up.
KUNM: The grief of losing someone is compounded in so many ways when that loss was through suicide. There may be guilt, there may be anger, a hundred other emotions. How do you all approach helping people through this?
WOODLAND: Well, I would say that all emotions are acceptable in our groups. We do not want people to not be authentic and honest, because as Vivian said, the only way to make your way through grief is to go through the grief. One of our guidelines is that we don't judge we are there to support and to bear witness. And sometimes it can be really uncomfortable when someone is very angry, or someone just can't stop crying, you know, but we allow that to happen. And we also have a closing so that people have opened up their hearts, and when it's time for the meeting to close, we have a closing so we try to make it a physical experience so that people are not walking out with their emotions so heightened.
KUNM: You also work with schools Desiree. Can you talk about that?
WOODLAND: Sure. Breaking The Silence was started after my son died. And we go into schools and teach upper elementary, middle and high school students about mental illness, mental health, give them strategies. We were in 274 schools this year, and presented to over 3,000 students. I feel like that's such a big part of prevention is giving them the language to talk about what they're feeling and what they're going through. And leading them to resources and actually having peers support peers is an important part of breaking the silence too.
KUNM: There is a lot of pressure around this time of year for folks to be cheerful. Do you have some words for people struggling with loss who just can't do that right now?
KEITH: Don't. I went to a children's play last night, I was able to enjoy the children, but I could not hang around and talk with the adults, the parents, take the pictures -- all that was just too tough. So you know, we made a plan to go in late, stay at the back and leave early. And I went to a friend's house who is a survivor of suicide, we had dinner with her and shed some tears and you know, just having a place to go that’s safe. And knowing what you can do and what you can't do and not pushing yourself to do -- I just I was clueless until it happened to me, to people. There's a lot a lot of hurting people. And too many times I think we put on a face that says we're not, and then we don't heal because we don't let people know. So finding those that can hear what you have to say and avoiding those that just don't know yet. Or hopefully will never have to know.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.
Additional resources:
Center for Hope and Healing
Heart Light Center
What's Your Griefonline site
