For most of us, talking about our mortality doesn’t come easily. But an event starting Monday aims to change that mindset. Now in its sixth year, the Before I Die New Mexico Festival offers a week of conversations and experiences including mortality movies, games and even comedy mixed with practical advice on planning for your demise. Founder Gail Rubin, who calls herself the Doyenne of Death, sat down with KUNM’s Megan Kamerick and says the events include a “murder and mayhem tour” in historic Fairfield Cemetery.
GAIL RUBIN: We've actually got somebody who will take you on a tour to 14 different burial sites and tell you the story of how that person died, either by murder or mayhem. And everybody is welcome to come to the mortuary mall at Sunset Memorial Park. That is a fascinating shopping trip. You don't have to register for the festival to come out and that's on Wednesday during midday.
KUNM: Will you be talking about green burials as well?
RUBIN: Yes on Thursday events are all centered around eco-friendly funerals and home funerals. So our themes are money in mourning, aging and mortality, cremation and burial, greening funerals and then discussing death won't kill you before our grand finale of murder and mayhem at historic Fairview Cemetery, where we'll also be doing an outdoor Death Cafe among the tombstones.
KUNM: And that's for people to talk, in a casual setting, these things?
RUBIN: Yes, whatever’s on your hearts and minds about mortality issues.
KUNM: You've also got a comedy show a death doula? What is a death doula?
RUBIN: So like a birth doula is to help women give birth, a death doula is to help people who are facing their mortality to actually die. I consider myself a death educator, because I don't particularly want to be there for people dying. I want them to be prepared before they get to that point.
KUNM: Things are really challenging right now for a lot of people. Why would they want to go to a festival that focuses on death?
RUBIN: Because we're all gonna die.
KUNM: Say it ain't so.
RUBIN: Despite great advances in medical care, yes, humans do have a 100% mortality rate. And I can tell you from personal experience this year, both my husband and my father died this year.
KUNM: I’m so sorry.
RUBIN: Thank you. Well, we had planned ahead, and that makes all the difference in the world. And we also were able to choose hospice in both of those cases. And that is a very loving and gentle way to check out.
KUNM: But you had set up things --- it was very traumatic time for you --- but because of what you do -- I assume things were in place, right?
RUBIN: The Doyenne of Death yeah, we had pre-planned both of our funerals together a year before. We had put information on file, but then we had money that we were able to prepay for it. And in this case, what you're actually doing is buying an insurance policy.
KUNM: So in addition to sort of the fun events are some very concrete practical things people can learn.
RUBIN: Yes, we will have a panel on pre-need planning from three different funeral providers. We'll also have the death doula panel to talk about some of the specific things that you need to do to plan ahead. And then we'll also have what you need to do after a funeral. I'm getting very well-versed in that, you know, follow up with insurance policies and pensions and Social Security and selling the car and on and on and on. There are a lot of things that need to be taken care of. So we've got a speaker to address things like that. We've got Ben Wasserman, the comedian, he does a show called “Live After Death” -- within the span of six months I think four people close to him died. And so he took that grief about losing these loved ones and made it into a comedy show, which will help you laugh, maybe you'll cry, but it'll be a really interesting sharing, and he does this at funeral homes around the country.
KUNM: Why is it so important for people to think about these issues, even if they don't want to,
RUBIN: Because you're doing your loved ones that favor, planning ahead, having conversations, knowing what your loved ones want, will make it so much less stressful when you're in an emergency medical situation or there's an accident. You know, accidental deaths happen a lot. And it just frustrates me that somebody in my family, who will remain nameless, absolutely refuses to plan ahead. Talking about sex won't make you pregnant. Talking about funerals won't make you dead. Start a conversation today.
